Welcome back

What joy the first day of term brings me; the constant stream of fresh faces lining the pavements, complete with whatever unfortunate hairstyle they have tried to imitate from the depths of YouTube. It never fails to raise a smile.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind parents and pupils about recent changes to school uniform. Boys’ trousers should be grey in colour and be mid-calf length, complete with a white shirt and black blazer. Girls’ skirts must reach the floor and must also be grey in colour.

Any violation in the uniform will result in the police being called.

Parents are also kindly reminded that the pelican crossing opposite the school is currently out of use, therefore we would advise running across the dual carriageway or moving to the other side of the village.

Here’s to another fantastic year.


The summer timetable

It’s nearly time for the summer break! After a brief consultation with myself I have decided to cut this year’s summer holiday from 6 weeks to 1.

This may seem a little harsh but to be honest the thought of it makes me laugh. The look on pupils’ faces is going to priceless and quite frankly I’m tired of hearing everyone’s plans for summer- teachers included.

Continuing in this vein, teachers are respectfully reminded that they will be fired if they take more than 1 week’s summer holiday, or if their holiday destination has more than 3 consecutive days of sun.

Reminder: Clocks go forward!

A wise man once said “late is the enemy of time. And time is the enemy of all.” These are words I bellow to students when they miss the first bell of school. I can’t abide lateness to the point where even my monthly cycle visits me earlier than expected.

This weekend we shall put the clocks forward by one hour, as is tradition, to symbolise the fact that there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I have got around this by playing a little trick on time: I put my clocks an hour back! Therefore when time visits me and tries to steal my hard-earned hour of a lie-in, the jokes on time! Take my hour, for I have another one up my sleeve.

Students and parents are therefore reminded to put their clocks back before they go to bed and hide all iPhones, tablets and laptops in a place where time can’t see them and cotton on to this brilliant ruse (under the bed etc.)



Time, last known picture 



Menu change


It is with regret that I announce that beef will no longer feature on the school menu.

Unfortunately our hand-reared cattle have ‘done a bunk’ and broken out of their pen. We will be investigating this matter thoroughly with local police, who we are sure will apprehend the culprit.

We will be holding a candle-lit vigil in the grounds of the school to raise awareness of their disappearance, as well as a Year 7 production of MOO that was created in response to the incident.

Meat eaters, rest assured that chicken, lamb and pork will still be available from the school canteen, but we will leave out an empty tray in honour of our 32 grass-fed, fur-stroked cows.

We visit the Tate!

Last Thursday the children had the exciting opportunity of visiting The Tate Modern in London.
Perhaps our favourite exhibit was ‘Friday Night Bhuna’, an installation by German artist Hedwig Fritzen-Jodl.  The piece of art featured an obliterated toilet and several empty rolls of toilet paper. Apart from its visually striking nature, a lot of us found truth embedded in the installation, and I was cast back to a time in 2004 when I was briefly hospitalised after a bad kebab and hand-washed salad.

We rounded off the day with an ice cream sundae and lashings of ginger beer, after which we all got back on the coach and headed home. Unfortunately we left Michaela behind due to a miss calculation on the headcount. If anyone knows where she might be, I implore you to contact the school office at the earliest opportunity.